Why do men confuse footplay with aggression ?

[cheesehead]

Hello everyone I basically want to vent about something that has been troubling me a little lately. I have had some wonderful experiences with guys when it comes to footplay, but lately I have been experiencing something that unnerves me a little.
Most of the guys I've been with have been great and very charming and respectful, but lately I've been meeting a lot of guys that seem to completely kill the love making experience by being crude, aggressive and being downright degrading.
I personally don't want to be treated with disrespect and like a whorish piece of crap just because I like feet. These guys are all charm when I meet them and seem sweet and affectionate before we go to the bed room and are more than fine with my fetish because I wouldn't bring someone home otherwise, but when the shoes and socks come off then they start in with the filthy, insulting and derogatory language and the rough play. When I look up at a guys face while we are supposed to be enjoying an intimate and pleasurable moment the last thing I want to see is an angry sneer, and the last thing I want to hear is what a filthy whore I am.
I understand that some men are into BDSM but I am not one of them. I don't like feeling like I am somehow "dirty" for liking feet nor do I want to have to wonder if the guy I brought home is some psychotic serial killer or rapist.
I recently met one guy whose eyes lit up like a neon light when I told him I liked feet and he said "really having a guy at my feet is my favorite thing to do". He was very sweet and charming after I told him this and I thought the smile on his face had froze that way. I was thinking that I had finally met someone who wanted what I wanted and that our excitement was mutual and genuine.
However, when we got back to my place it was a different story. He began calling me all kind of filthy names while we were having sex, he tried to completely control the situation and selfishly demanded that I perform exactly how he wanted and his eyes were angry and his movements bordered on being violent. After awhile I just couldn't take the disrespect any longer tried to leave the room, at which point he forcefully grabbed my arm and tried to pull me towards him. I jerked my arm away and told him he had better leave and after he got dressed he wagged his tongue at me before slamming the door.
Am I crazy for being a little confused and upset, because this isn't the first time I've experienced this type of behavior from men when it comes to footplay, in fact I've experienced it a lot more than I would like to admit, just not to the extreme as I experienced with my last encounter that I talked about above.
Why do some gay men think that just because someone has a fetish it somehow gives them license to be hateful, nasty and disrespectful ? I guarantee that most straight men would never treat a woman like that, no matter what kind of fetish she might have or even if the situation was just casual sex because they know that no woman would put up with it and they wouldn't even get to first base.
I love masculine men, but I think sometimes men confuse masculinity for aggression and being a down right asshole. True masculinity doesn't equate to violence and abuse. I am not the most masculine guy in the world but even I can see this, so why can't they ?

[ropedfeet]

Hi Cheesehead,

Pricks like the ones you have described are out there plenty.

Lots of men who do not consider themselves into BDSM act like this too. It really does not always have anything to do with BDSM but rather with certain personalities, preferences, or in some cases congenital stupidity...

Maybe some guys who are Not into the foot thing just think that that is the way you want them to act in that situation.

Lots of men will say they are into Anything if they find you attractive.

Sounds like you have had a streak of guys who are either liars about what they really like, or guys who just don't care about what You really like and the way you like it.

Sometimes people can hide their true selves very cleverly before " stuff" starts to happen.

There are more than enough Stupid asses out there to go around.

Personally I have not ever had any types of encounters that you describe relating to foot fun,,,some guys might want to stop after a very short while, some just really don't get it at all, but I have not had a guy call me names like you describe..

then again some of them have loved it...

I don;t really know what to tell you..

Just that there are lots of guys who will lie about themselves at first, until you really see who and how they are.

You are right, some guys really like the type behavior you describe and that is fine...but lots of guys don't. These guys you describe are indeed selfish bastards. That last one sounds like a real loser.

The thing is that when we are dealing with people that we have never met before we have to be careful...I have found that my gut instinct serves me well. I also engage a guy in lots of conversation before deciding I want anything to happen...I have filtered out many duds this way too.

Ask questions...questions that will only be answered the right way by a guy who likes what you do.. you'll know if the answers sound like they are coming from the type of guy you seek...

I certainly hope that you meet some much better guys in the future...you sound like a cool guy.

But keep yourself out there. There are lots of great guys out there too. I like to think they far outnumber the jerks.

[gbmcleod]

....guys will think that, because you have a fetish, and especially the psychological -- and literal -- aspect of being at someone's feet, that you have a some 'slave-ish' mentality. Of course, those of us into feet know that nothing could be further from the truth, but those outside this community mistake the fetish for someone who wants to grovel.
I think there are some other factors: are you a smaller guy? I'm relatively big (6' 190), so guys don't really try to mess with me (plus, I'm Black, which, in itself, comes with its own fetishes for some guys) in that way. If they do, a look tells them otherwise (but that's only happened once). I've heard, from smaller men, that guys try that demeaning approach according to the physical stature of the participant.

It does sound like you're meeting guys who disguise their reasons for getting you at their feet. Perhaps telling them it's not a master/slave thing, but you like feet, the look (and smell [ if applicable] of them) and that's all it is. Gay men in general have a dick fetish, but are blind to that, so it stand to reason we aren't all particularly observant that other fetishes have nothing to do with power/control issues (even the top/bottom thing has guys thinking that bottoms are inferior! My thinking is that, without bottoms, I'd be a pretty lonely guy, so I treasure them!).
Try probing a bit more, and be clear about what you'd like to do and maybe throw in that you're not expecting a domination/humiliation scene, just the foot play. That should tip them off about where the boundaries of your interaction lie.

[cheesehead]

Thanks for your kind words ropedfeet. I have always been a relatively straight forward person and I guess have been making the mistake of assuming that others would be straight forward with me as well. I will definitely try to screen the guys that I'm interested in more thoroughly in the future.
Having "the talk" with a guy I'm attracted to is always a bit awkward, as I don't want to scare a guy away by talking too much about sex when I meet them, especially foot sex if they have never really been exposed to the idea too much, but I do tell them what I want before hand as I feel it's always better to let them know up front than to spring it on them as I feel that would be disrespectful on my part.
I feel as though I should try to spend more time with them on a one on one level before we ever go to the bedroom, but you are right in that some men hide their true colors very well.
Is there anything in particular to look for to give away that a guy might be a loser up front such as a red flag that might tell me to stay away from certain guys ?

[ropedfeet]

Hmmm...red flags...

Well I think that when a guy does not ask as many questions about me and what I like as I ask him about him that that can be a sign that he is only looking to cover his own agenda. I think that is a good one for starters. I usually start to back off when that seems to be the case.

I really don't like guys who don't give information about themselves freely...it makes me lose interest Very quickly.

You guys know I am into bondage. I am Very upfront about it when someone likes me and asks the inevitable " so what are you into?"...

There have been times when a guy has said he loves bondage and/ or would like to try it, then when we are alone he comes up with stuff like " aww c'mon, we don't really have to do that do we?"

Uhh, yes, we do...I told you from the get go that that is what I like...

this has only rarely happened, but it has happened.

I figure if I am honest about what I am looking for and like to do, and the other party has agreed to participate in it, then I do not have to compromise on anything when someone has lied to Me at the first.

They should have just said they were not interested in it from the start.


So again, if you do not hear the answers to questions that you know another guy into what you are into would say then you have to be aware that you may well be dealing with one of these types.

[akeel]

And as women have been saying for a long time, many men can just be pricks.

[dcdave]

You don't indicate your age or the age(s) of these man and, more importantly, you don't indicate where and how you meet them. It's one thing if you are meeting people in twink bar and another if you are finding these guys in leather bars. There are men who find foot play intertwined with domination and submission. It seems naive for you to assume up front the foot play doesn't carry some baggage which you may need to redefine up front.

[flickfire]

Maybe the next time you meet a guy Cheesehead, you should be more specific about EXACTLY want you from him, what you'll do, and want you WON'T do in an intimate setting. I would say something like "you know I'm really into guys' feet, but I'm mainly into foot sniffing, licking, rubbing or sucking on toes in a nice relaxed setting, and I'm DEFINITELY not into being verbally or physically abused." "Some guys have done that to me before, and it's just not something that I'm comfortable with". "Are you OK with that?"

If he says yes, then maybe you can go with him from there, but if you get the feeling he doesn't agree with you, or doesn't understand what you're saying, then maybe should shouldn't take it any further with him. Don't be afraid to say NO to guy just because you're horny and want to get at his feet, because you won't enjoy the experience, especially if he ends up treating you like dirt, because he thinks he can get away with it, because of your fetish.

Maybe if you're a lot more specific about what you want from a guy, then you'll end up having better relationships with them. Nobody deserves to be abused or humiliated, unless it's something that's agreed to early on by consenting adults, who are aware of their roles in their relationship together.

[ropedfeet]

Excellent suggestion Flickfire.

Cheesehead, read that first paragraph a few times, that's a Great way to make what You want to do known to the other guy.

[greatlakesbud]

Trick or treat...

[peterlondon]

a lot of guys who worship feet are slavish, or enjoy being slaves
so a lot of men who have a guy underfoot will become more masterful and maybe aggressive, partly because they may think thats what you want, and partly because often when we someone underfoot its because they are being dominated or bullied, like when a victim is made to lick boots
i like dominant men myself...insofar i like someone who will use me and take me for granted, not someone who will beat me up and make me clean his house though!
if you like a more gentle footlove scene then say from the outset, right when you tell the guy you want to be at his feet, say "but not like a slave, i dont like s and m" then yor partner wont feel the need to turn it on if he knows thats not what you want.
hope this helps

[foottboi]

a lot of times when i tell ppl that i have a foot fetish the 1st thing that they ask is " oh r u a servent? a foot slave? " I'm like im NOT into stuff like that, I'm just simply into feet and it's just my fetish. if the guy is a nice person he will let u do what u like without making any nasty comments, if the guy feel uncomfortable or saying nonsense stuff, you should just tell him sorry bro, I dont think we clicked and leave or ask him to leave. that's the way how foot guyz should protect ourselves and respect ourselves just like everyone deserves! I know being into feet is kinda or very embarassing, so the best way is to hook up with some1 who is into feet too! unfortunally personally I find it really hard to find foot guys around myself, hope ur in a different case :)