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PolarCub75
11-16-2008, 12:54 AM
I've got a question for anybody that can answer it. Can you tell the difference if somebody is interested in you & likes you, or if they are just being nice? Here's why.

See, there is this guy that I work with. We work for the same company, but in different buildings on campus. I really like him. But, he's str8 (or so he says). Anyway, he's been asking me to borrow certain horror DVDs of mine. He'll come over to pick them up. He'll stay for a while & talk. Then, he'll bring them back & we'lll talk some more. He knows I'm gay & I think he knows I like him. Anyway, he called me today to ask me if I had some tape, etc. He told me that he was sorry, but he still had my movies. We got to talking & he asked me when the new Friday the 13th movie was coming out. I told him Friday, February 13, 2009 & he was like, maybe we could get together & go see it. Then, he was like, then we can go out to dinner together either before or after. I don't want to be jumping to conclusions. I mean, I told a couple of people about it today & asked them their opinion. I said that maybe I was reading into it wrong & I was making it out to be something that it wasn't. They told me that I wasn't & that it was EXACTLY what I think it is! I remember this one time, he was over by me. He was with another guy we work with. The other guy was like, "You gotta come & check this girl out. etc." He did. This girl is a knockout! I asked him what he thought & he was like, "She's not my type." Then, he was like, have you ever liked somebody so much it hurts & that you can't get them out of your head, like, you think about them all the time?

I look at it like this. EVERYBODY has a past! You think you know people. People are like, "My man/woman would never or has never done that!" I mean, I know me. First of all, if I am not interested or like somebody in that way, I am not going to go ANYWHERE, one-on-one with them like that . In a group, yes. But, not alone. Especially if I am of the same sex and I know the person likes me! I mean, if you knew somebody felt a certain way about you & you knew it, would you be alone with them? I mean, I've been around str8 guys before. I mean, REAL ones. They talk about women, but not to the extent of somebody who is closeted! It's like, who are you trying to convince me or you? Regular/normal str8 guys don't talk about it half as much as closet cases. That's what I've experienced! Especially if I'm alone with a str8 guy (or so he claims to be). I mean, he'll start commenting on women & talking to me about women. I'm like, is it a threat to his masculinity that he has to let other people know, as well as himself that he's heterosexual? Can you shed some light on this for me because, I don't understand this.

If I was a straight male, I wouldn't be making plans to meet up, get together & hang out with another gay male, one-on-one. Especially, if & when there are feelings involved. You know, it's so funny! I was thinking about this just recently. Like, how cool would it be if we went to go see THAT particular movie together! Like, I saw us going to see it & wanted to go see it with him. Every time I get my hopes up, they always seem to fall. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I mean, I think he feels something for me, too. I just don't think he knows what to do, how to go about it, or what to say. I just think sometimes you meet somebody that touches a deep place in your heart. I am talking about on both ends. He feels comfortable around me and talking to me. It's so funny with the timing. I met him one year ago this week. I mean, we so have some things in common as far as movies & television shows go. We share the same interest in horror movies & he told me that he's a big I Love Lucy fan. He's not a fan to the extent that I am, but he's a fan nonetheless. I mean, first & foremost, he's a very nice, kind, sincere person. He's also one of the hottest, if not THE hottest men I've ever seen! I mean, I know I am jumping the gun, but I know that we're not bad for each other. He really thinks I'm funny. He says that I have a great sense of humor. I think he knows & feels that I'm different. Like, I'm not like other guys. He's 24 years old, too. I mean, we've had those "just between us" talks, where he would say, "Don't tell anyone. Be sure to keep it a secret. Between us, etc." And, I gave him my word. So, I think he fels comfortable in that respect. He's a team-lead in one of our departments & he's always commeding me on a job well done. He says that I'm a great worker, etc. I don't know if this means anything or he was just curious, but he's asked me, "So, girls don't do anything for you? They don't turn you on? You don't find them attractive, etc." I mean, I don't think I'm wrong with any of this. As far as my thoughts & feelings go. And, everybody else agreed. I mean, we do have each others phone numbers. It's so funny, when he was over by me that last time, I was like, if there is anything I can do or if I can help you, just let me know. He was like, you have my number, right? LOL I don't know if he forgot or wanted to see if I still had it. Then he walked out the door. HE came back in a few seconds later, asking me if I had seen his keys! I mean, he had them the whole time. He parked right outside the door & this was still summer. He didn't have a coat & he didn't lock them in the car. I mean, looking back, it's started with small things. The things he's said/done. The borrowing of the movies, the talks, etc. When he said that to me on the phone yesterday, it was what I've been wanting to hear from him all along. It was like my wildest fantasy was coming to life. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine him asking me those questions.

Franz
11-16-2008, 03:51 PM
Polarcub, as I seem to recall telling you quite some time back here on the board, I think you're wanting from this guy (a) for him to tell you he's definitely gay, and (b) for him to declare that he's got the hots for you and wants to be in a relationship with you. But if you think about it, you're wanting the guy to answer the questions before you have even asked them of him. And you seem to be obsessing over your ardent desire for him to declare himself to--and for--you even though you are yourself endlessly being coy about telling the guy what you want from him. My sense of you in this situation is that you are afraid to just come out and tell the guy what you want--obviously because you're afraid he might "shoot you down in flames" and head the opposite direction from you.

But, as I probably told you before, there are no guarantees in this life. If you want something or someone, you have to got after it or him. There's just no point in you trying to hang around with him and endlessly dropping little tiny "hints" to him and expecting that he will say things to you that you refuse to say to him. You like to endlessly speculate on the guy's sexual orientation, and you seem to endlessly try to impute a homoerotic motivation and significance to just about anything he does and anything he says to you. But be practical. You can endlessly engage in mental speculation, but speculation is just that--speculation. And be real: you can't realistically expect the guy to confess either his active homosexuality or his desire for you since you are yourself unwilling to talk frankly to him about your feelings for him or your desire for him. You've put yourself in a cul-de-sac and on an endless Mobius loop here, one without any practical resolution point.

You've had the hots for this guy for a year now, and you have yet to initiate a real and open discussion with him about your attraction to him. He's not a mindreader. He can't know what you feel or want you want from him if you continue to absolutely refuse to talk to him about it.

Look, there is no getting around the fact that building a man-to-man relationship with a guy involves both guys being willing to trust the other guy enough to make himself vulnerable to the other guy. I take it your 'great fear' is that he might reject you. Well, yeah, he might. On the other hand, hasn't it occurred to you that he might--assuming he is attracted to you and wants you--fear the very same thing you do? Well, sooner or later one of you two guys between yourselves are going to have to glue your courage to the sticking point and become proactive in communicating honestly with one another about your feelings and desires. What you have opted to do and not do over the past year has not been even moderatively productive for you. Practically speaking, therefore, it seems obvious that you're going to have to tackle this situation in a different and much more practical way. If you refuse to, you could just keep on fruitlessly guessing and speculating about this guy and how he thinks about you and feels about you indefinitely--without ever actually learning from his first-hand and directly about his feelings.

I cannot speculation on how he might respond to you, either, nor will I attempt to; but he isn't likely tor respond to you at all unless you give him something definite to respond to. Good luck to you on this, Polarcub.