ftlaudft
06-11-2011, 10:42 PM
I've had it, guys! There are certain bedroom peeves and annoyances I've endured too long and have now decided I will no longer up with them put. Bottom line - if you squeak or leak, stay out of my bedroom!
Yes, I do understand that certain moans and groans of ecstasy are a romantic part of intimacy and actually enhance the beauty of the moment. But there are sounds we should not have to tolerate. I mean the noises of loud discomfort, girlish shrieks of agony, those sounds that make you think of a hapless oaf accidentally impaled on a vibrating dildo or the jungle dude whose nuts are being crushed by a crazed gorilla. A certain amount of pain is natural in a good sexual session. If you can't muffle the screams, then go home and practice with cucumbers until you're ready to play the game with the big boys. Sodomy is not a sport for the weak or the wimpy.
My second concern is the bladder matter. You may feel the whole world is your oyster but it is not your urinal. What is this notion that good sex should be rewarded by a golden shower? Just because we have good sex does not give you the right to pee on me! You've seen too many of those raunchy Michael Lucas movies! I will dance for you, sing for you. I will feed you and pleasure you a hundred different ways. But if you try to piss on me, I will kick your horny ass right back into the street!
While we're talking about pet peeves, let me address your occasional gas problems. Nothing ruins the romantic mood for me more quickly than the inopportune fart. No! No! and No! I will give you permission to break wind once a year, on the feastday of St Fargo the Flatulent. The rest of the year, no farting - please!
These are my bedroom peeves. What are yours?
Yes, I do understand that certain moans and groans of ecstasy are a romantic part of intimacy and actually enhance the beauty of the moment. But there are sounds we should not have to tolerate. I mean the noises of loud discomfort, girlish shrieks of agony, those sounds that make you think of a hapless oaf accidentally impaled on a vibrating dildo or the jungle dude whose nuts are being crushed by a crazed gorilla. A certain amount of pain is natural in a good sexual session. If you can't muffle the screams, then go home and practice with cucumbers until you're ready to play the game with the big boys. Sodomy is not a sport for the weak or the wimpy.
My second concern is the bladder matter. You may feel the whole world is your oyster but it is not your urinal. What is this notion that good sex should be rewarded by a golden shower? Just because we have good sex does not give you the right to pee on me! You've seen too many of those raunchy Michael Lucas movies! I will dance for you, sing for you. I will feed you and pleasure you a hundred different ways. But if you try to piss on me, I will kick your horny ass right back into the street!
While we're talking about pet peeves, let me address your occasional gas problems. Nothing ruins the romantic mood for me more quickly than the inopportune fart. No! No! and No! I will give you permission to break wind once a year, on the feastday of St Fargo the Flatulent. The rest of the year, no farting - please!
These are my bedroom peeves. What are yours?